TOP 32 NUGGETS OF ADVICE FOR THIS YEAR'S RCM ROOKIES
32) Try NOT to discuss politics with Terry Black.
31) Don't worry about doing something embarrassing on the
course. Chances are it's been done before, at least once.
30) Keep your RCM beer pin close to you at all times.
29) When you arrive in Palm Springs, call your wife. If you're
single, call Roger's wife.
28) If you wake up late for your tee time on Saturday, play
a round with a nice little old lady and have her sign your
scorecard.
27) Don't worry about doing anything stupid on the course,
odds are that the rest of your foursome will be so drunk
that they won't remember.
26) Don't tell Fred he's cute, otherwise he'll be your friend for
life.
25) Coors light is the official beer of the RCM. To drink any
other foo foo or girly microbrew beer is uncool and a sign
of weakness.
24) Constructive criticism of how the tournament is organized
or handled is NOT encouraged. Keep your stupid ideas on how
the tournament can be improved to yourself, it's already
perfect.
23) The proper way to spell "Dupuy" is "Dopey".
22) If you start having sharp pains in your head, step away
from the dart board.
21) There are no 3 legged races at the RCM so please put that
thing away.
20) When your drunk at the RCM you will lose arguments with
inanimate objects like Roger.
19) If you've had too much to drink and your about to fall
off the earth, hang on to the grass in the fairways.
18) Always remember there are ONLY 3 food groups: KEGS,
BOTTLES, & CANS.
17) If every night you're beginning to find your roommate
more and more attractive, it's okay. The RCM has that effect
on everyone.
16) If the back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet
seat, we recommend vomiting in the wastebasket.
15) Don't be upset if Roger doesn't recognize you. Buy him
a beer and ask him to look at you through bottom of a
glass. He should then recognize you.
14) It's not your imagination. The RCM DOES have more pink
elephants than any other tournament you've played in.
13) Senators Kennedy and Packwood have participated in the
RCM. Regretfully, they have NOT been invited back to the
tournament due to their inability to keep up.
12) It only happened once, so don't believe the rumors that
it happens every year. It wasn't the committee's fault that
Mr. X. woke up in Korea on June 26th swearing the last thing
he remembered was having another shot of Tequila with Karl.
11) Don't try and fraternize with the shrubbery on golf
course. (even though it's probably just as drunk as you
from its frequent watering)
10) Always remember, the FDA allows .01% mouse feces and
.005% rat hair in processed packaged hotdogs in the United
States.
9) Don't try doing your perfect Elvis impersonation when a big
wave of nausea is about to hit you.
8) Please save showing the RCM Tournament Committee YOUR version
of a "golden parachute" until year 3 or 4.
7) When Roger yells "Slow down, pal. This ain't no Kennedy
reunion!", he's only joking.
6) We've been told that RCM participants are not the only ones
that can shit in the woods, rumor has it that bears can too.
5) Please keep your Buckwheat impersonations to a maximum of
5-10 minutes in the hotel bar and restaurant.
4) Roger loves (and falls for it every time) the old "Pull My Finger"
routine. Do it as often as you like.
3) We encourage overly enthusiastic karaoke renditions of "Beat It"
during our RCM Welcome In Party.
2) Rookies that can play "Hail to the Chief" under their armpits when
Roger enters a room are virtually guaranteed an invite next year.
1) Everyone has whizzed in the pool one time or another. If a RCM
veteran tells you it's okay to pee in the pool that doesn't mean you
should do it from the diving board. Unless of course you are well
endowed. We don't want the other hotel guests thinking that all RCM
players are loud, obnoxious, drunken, sweaty, smelly, small-dicked
hackers. Not all RCM participants have small penises.
THE TOP 20 RCM STORIES OF ALL TIME
20) Karl & Dubo thinking that the golf carts were complimentary.
19) You know who.
18) Dubo and the flying coasters.
17) Koran does 15 body slams into the pool in 2000.
16) Thirty minute cribbage lesson given to Tuck & Dubo by Gilbert & Koran.
15) Poelstra waking up late and having to have his score attested by a nice little
old lady.
14) Toon having a booger on his finger.
13) Mini-Dave.
12) Wagner's 17.
11) Diving for golf balls and washing them in a washing machine.
10) Terry losing his car keys.
9) Roger being awake but unable to stand up.
8) Dubo tossing Breitenfeld out of the cart.
7) Pole me Freddie.
6) Trento, the hot tub, and the wrong room.
5) Kraft and his "Boot Scoot'n Boggie".
4) Karl telling the Borrego guy he saw him holding hands with another Borrego guy.
3) Karl and the cactus on his back.
2) Karl's attempt to kill Roger by "steaming the wrinkles out of his clothes."
1) The small weenie story.
TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AT THE RCM
10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool s.o.b.!
9) While I'm up, can I buy a round for the whole group?
8) I think hairy buns are really sexy. (well maybe once in
a while you'll hear this one)
7) Sometimes I just want to be held.
6) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
5) Don't pole me Fred.
4) I haven't been to the mall for ages, let's all go shopping.
3) Screw the NBA Playoffs, let's watch Murphy Brown.
2) Hey Phil you're looking great, did you lose some weight?
1) I think I've had enough to drink. I'm heading back to my room.
TOP 10 THING THE RCM WIVES TELL THEIR HUSBANDS AS THEY LEAVE FOR THE RCM
10) Have a great time and don't worry about when you get back.
9) Are you sure you packed enough beer?
8) I sure like that Roger fella, I wish he had this tournament twice a year.
7) That RCM committee sure knows how to throw a great golf tournament.
6) The RCM web site is bitch'n.
5) I sure hope you get Dubo for a roommate this year Sweety, or
should I say Getoverhere?
4) Ask the tournament committee if they could change the event
to a whole week.
3) Spend as much as you'd like. Buy lots of rounds for the
tournament committee.
2) Tell Phil I love the photos of him on the web site.
1) See if you can't help poor Dave Kraft with all the
tournament results and paperwork.
TOP 10 THINGS RCM WIVES TELL THEIR HUSBANDS AS THEY RETURN FROM THE RCM
10) Did you get enough to drink?
9) I sure missed you.
8) You're so sexy when you're hung over.
7) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
6) You take a nap while I wash your car and change the oil.
5) I love it when you take off 4 days and go play golf out of
town. I wish you could do it more often.
4) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
3) Do me a favor, forget our anniversary and buy yourself a new set of clubs.
2) Shouldn't you be down at the club with your buddies?
1) That was a great fart! Do another one!
TOP 15 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO THE GOLF COURSE MARSHALL
15) The guys in the clubhouse told us it was ok to swim for golf balls.
14) Could you hold my beer while a take a piss behind your cart?
13) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
12) Hey, you must've been doin' about 12 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
11) I thought you had to have a pulse to be a Marshall.
10) I was going to be a Marshall, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9) Bad Marshall! No donut!
8) Is it true that people become Marshalls because they are too dumb
to work at McDonald's?
7) I pay your salary!
6) Gee, Marshall! That's terrific! The last Marshall gave me a warning
about the same thing too!
5) Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my beer can fell
from between my legs and got lodged between the gas pedal and the floor
board, forcing me break through that fence and into this pool.
4) Back off Barney, I've got a club in my hands.
3) Want to race back to the club house, Sparky?
2) I know I was weaving, but I was trying to miss the pink elephants.
1) What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" This is the RCM for Pete's
sake!
TOP 14 SIGNS THAT ROGER IS STILL ALIVE AND COULD BE FOR YEARS TO COME
14) A new generation of medical students can correctly diagnose an "elongated prostrate."
13) Lynch still can't win the Official RCM Small Weenie Award.
12) At tourney time Fred has an extra spring to his step.
11) The lead golf cart is not in the shape of a hearse.
10) We still order 2 extra kegs each year.
9) We still hear him whine about how Karl is always trying to kill him.
8) He has no problem kicking Bobby Stoke's ass in wrestling.
7) He carded over 210 rounds last year (that no joke, he did).
6) He still shows up in the picture when you take a photograph of him.
5) His name has not yet appeared in the local paper's obituary column.
4) His wife is always smiling.
3) His partner verified that his pay checks are still being cashed.
2) The IRS didn't go belly up this year.
1) No dead guy can run up a cell phone bill that high every month.
TOP 10 THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY IN THE PRO SHOP
10) Do you have edible golf briefs?
9) And if you do, do you have them in tootie fruity?
8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7) No thanks. Just Sniffing.
6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5) No need to wrap it up, I'll surprise him right here.
4) Steve, will you model this for me?
3) Phil, you might want to try the next size up.
2) Hey baldy, shouldn't you be looking at hats instead of shirts? (Actual Dubo quote
from 1998.)
1) I'm with the RCM group.
TOP 12 THINGS OVERHEARD COMING FROM PHIL PORTERS ROOM
12) "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
11) "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 4th of July is just around the corner."
10) "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from that Richard Simmons fella."
9) "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
8) "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7) "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
6) "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5) "Got milk?"
4) "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3) "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2) "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
1) "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10) Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8) You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7) Look at the size of his putter.
6) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5) Mind if I join your threesome?
4) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2) Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be
desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't...
1) Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT PASSING OUT AT THE POOL
10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to."
8) "Whew! Guess Karl left the top off his Tequila bottle. You probably got
here just in time!"
7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6) "I was testing the hotel towels for drool resistance."
5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
tournament-related stress."
4) "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
a solution to my swing problem."
3) "The coffee machine is broken..."
2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1) ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."
TOP 10 SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS WHILE PLAYING GOLF
AND/OR TAKING A LEAK AT THE RCM
10) Back straight, Knees bent,
Feet shoulder width apart.
9) Form a Loose grip. Don't Squeeze, Relax.
8) Keep your Head down.
7) Avoid a quick Back swing.
6) Stay out of the Water.
5) Try not to hit Anyone.
4) If you are taking too long,
Please let Others go ahead of You.
3) Don't stand directly in front of Others.
2) Quiet *Please*, while Others are preparing
to go. ~~~ No Advice on Technique.
1) Don't take Extra strokes.
TOP 10 WAYS TO SPELL DUPUY
10) DUPEY
9) DAFFY
8) DINGY
7) DUNCE
6) (PEPE) DU-PEW
5) DORK
4) IDIOT
3) GETOVERHERE
2) DUMMY
1) DOPEY
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